Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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