it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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