ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
