Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
In America we eat man semen.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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