four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
