U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
