I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
