I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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