Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
