you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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