When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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