my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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