I'm gonna have a badass scar
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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