I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
