You can't special order awesome
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
