A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
