I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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