This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
