The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
