Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I faked an abortion last night.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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