i wish there were pregnant emoticons
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Randomize
