woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
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