Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
