I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
