Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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