His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
