She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Randomize
