ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Randomize
