Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
We were destined to go to rehab together
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Randomize
