Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize