you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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