My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
