I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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