what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Randomize
