looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Is her dick bigger than yours?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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