You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
this boner is exhausting
fuck your aforementioned shoe
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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