franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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