That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
