I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
