If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
