Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize