I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Randomize
