I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
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