that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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