Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
