hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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