I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
