Your dad touched me again.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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