we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Randomize
