Three words: puerto rican gang bang
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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