Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
