The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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