a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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