the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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