I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
