ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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