At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
