i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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