Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Randomize
