I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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