Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
