Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
