I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
