Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Randomize
