We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize