I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Randomize
