I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
