the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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